Fighting is common in any relationship. Are you upset with something? Don’t scream your lungs out and pick a fight with your spouse. Remember that men have lots of ego and they don’t like being pointed out. Worse can happen if your in-laws eavesdrop and gossip about your fight to everyone (including your kids!) You don’t want them commenting on how rude their daughter in law is.! Here are eight rules of fighting fair in a relationship.
1. Send him an email. Talking and shouting may not be the best way to communicate if you have a lot of anguish and emotions stored up inside you. Instead put it down in a letter. By the time you finish writing your letter, your will be feeling better because you have vented out your problem through your pen (or keyboard 😉 If there’s something really serious, send him the email. Otherwise, trash the draft. Your husband will also read the email and understand well because it is hard to be misunderstood in a letter.
2. Close the bedroom door. Before you discuss about your problem or before you want to tell your husband how mad he behaved, bolt the bedroom door. Sit together and talk slowly. Most of the time, a low and polite tone of voice will make your husband understand your problem better than a screaming voice. Don’t put a direct blame on him, he’ll hate it. Instead of saying “You did this, you were wrong” say “It would have been better if you had done this instead of that. Your actions are usually right, but please try to understand it from my perspective.”
3. If he has a problem, politely ask him what’s wrong. Cuddle him and tell him that you are always there for him. If he doesn’t want to speak about it, leave him alone. Men take time to get back to normal. Once your husband feels better, he will speak to you about it.
4. If he’s angry because you have done something wrong, genuinely apologize. If he’s angry for something you have never done, make sure he understands that you are being blamed for a mistake that was never yours. Don’t attack him by calling names. However, do put on a stern face. Let your expressions speak. If he comes back to you and apologizes, then forgive him immediately and forget about the incident. Don’t say things like, “you never trust me, you are always suspicious” etc. Men rarely apologize, so treasure it 😉 A sorry from your husband means that he’s truly feeling sorry for you and even guilty of himself, so don’t make him feel even worse.
5. Focus on solving the issue rather than “winning” the argument. If you only shout to vent your anger out, you may utter words you will regret. And remember, words cause deeper wounds and may take much time to heal.
6. Don’t discuss the problem with your in-laws or parents unless it is something extremely serious. Your in-laws judge you and they rarely take your side of the argument. Your parents on the other hand, worry too much about what went wrong and exaggerate the issue. Sometimes, it might cause even more trouble.
7. Never fight in front of your kids. Children are very sensitive and react differently when they see their parents fight. They are a reflection of you and they live how you live. Remember what you are teaching them! Furthermore, they may even talk about your fight in front of their grandparents or friends, which is something your definitely don’t want.
8. This is the most important point. After the fight, don’t discuss the issue again. Stop judging each other. Forget about it and have fun.