So you have decided to end your secretive emotional affair. Firstly, well done. Whether you are in the beginning stages or your affair has crossed the boundaries long back, you are taking an honest step by deciding to end it.So lets dive into the topic; how to end an emotional affair.
Accept the situation: The first step to put an end to an emotional affair is to accept that you got into an affair. Be honest with yourself. Don’t get defensive. Never mind whether it’s your mistake or an accidental episode of your life. Simply calm your mind and accept that things as they are. Once you accept the situation, get yourself determined to stop the emotional affair at any cost.
Meditation/Self-help: The hardest part of ending an affair is dealing with your own mind. Are you afraid of any drama that follows the break-up? You may be upset for some days. It may be possible that you miss him/her even though you are the one who decided to end the affair. Take a yoga or meditation class. Read self-help books, listen to hypnosis audio and train your mind to be strong and brave.
Put an End to it: If it’s an affair in a dating website or something online, then it makes things easier. Send a note saying that you are ending the affair and delete your account. Get rid of all the chat history. Block the phone number. Don’t go and say good-bye’s and miss you’s. Stop all the communication NOW. No more christmas cards, birthday greetings or “Thinking of you” messages. The person will not exist in your life anymore. Case closed.
You may let the person know why you are ending the affair. Perhaps the person may realise his/her mistake too. This is going to be the last letter you will be sending the person.
Feel free to copy the sample letter given here
I have realised that our relationship has crossed its boundaries. The best possible solution that I came across, after a lot of thought, is to end the relationship. The clear reason is that this kind of emotionally attached relationship is neither good for me nor you, nor for my spouse. I feel entirely responsible for this episode and sincerely apologise you. I hope you understand.
Be stern with yourself: Don’t find another reason to go back to the person once you’ve cut the chords. Be hard with yourself if you have to be. All these days you have been dishonest with your spouse. It’s a good thing that you are going in the right direction by ending the affair. Be proud of yourself. Once you are back, then no more being in touch.
What if you have to be in touch even after breakup? (What if you are colleagues or family members?)
Interacting after break-up: It’s never a great idea to be in touch after you have decided to end a relationship. However, if the emotional affair you had is with your office colleague, it gets a little tricky because you still have to interact with them. But don’t worry. Here are some solutions.
- Talk only when needed.
- Stop sharing any of your personal life matters.
- If the other person tries sharing any of his/her personal matters, politely let them know that you aren’t interested.
- If the person calls you casually, be polite but don’t talk much. Tell him/her that you are busy and end the call.
- If the person insists you to meet you in the office canteen or any regular hangout spot, deny any such requests.
- Ignore any chat messages or sms other than work-related.
- If the person calls you late night, don’t pick up.
- If possible, speak to your higher officials and request for a change of project or team.
The person may be upset about your behaviour. He/she may shed tears because of your abrupt behaviour. He/she may repeatedly apologise you or beg you to come back. You will be tempted to resume your relationship. But be stern and don’t go back to him/her feeling guilty. Discipline your mind.
Rekindle your marriage: Revive your marriage and romance. Plan a vacation or spend a weekend away with your spouse. Be a responsible person. Listen to your spouse’s emotional needs, complaints, worries and joys that you might have missed during your affair. It is possible that your spouse might have been affected by your behaviour in the past. Show your beloved the fullest attention he/she deserves.
Seek professional help: A professional help always helps you. Go on and meet a marriage counsellor to help your issues get solved. A matured and experienced consellor’s advice definitely helps you if the situation is serious.
Talk to your spouse: If your spouse is aware of your emotional affair, give her a good and strong assurance that you are never going to repeat any such thing again. Thank your spouse for accepting your mistakes and staying patient while you ignored her or behaved in an irresponsible way.
If your spouse is unaware of the situation, then let her know about the affair. Let her know that you got into an affair and you have ended it. Now now… before you bash me, please read on. By telling your spouse about it, you gain his/her trust and loyalty. Your spouse may have already figured out something is wrong with you. It’s better to let her know about it.
Remember that you have confided about a lot of intimate details of your life to the other person. If he/she ever repeats those secrets infront of your spouse, or if he/she threatens to tell your spouse about your past relationship, it’s no good. Better open up and be honest.
Become aware of your thoughts: You will start missing the other person and you’ll be tempted to go back. But don’t. Watch your thoughts careful. Any bit of inclination towards the other person, cut it in the beginning. Meditate and master your thoughts. Also remember that past is gone. Don’t blame yourself or feel guilty for being disloyal to your spouse. Recognising an emotional affair in the beginning stages is not easy. Also don’t feel bad about the person with whom you have broken up. Don’t feel bad about hurting them. Hold your head high and move on.
Set tight schedules for the next couple of months: For a few months, make sure you are extremely busy. A busy mind is a happy mind. Set a short-term goal that requires a lot of commitment. Strive to achieve the goal. Or go on a vacation. Go hiking, trekking, snorkelling and make sure you get involved in a lot of physical activities. You can also plan a honeymoon with your wife. Escape away to the beaches of Maldives or have fun in a busy city like New York. Whatever you do, make sure you are busy.